“To like somebody deeply is to be taught the artwork of holding on and letting go—generally at the exact same time.” ~Unknown
Nothing has softened me—or challenged me—like caring for my ninety-six-year-old mom as she slowly withdraws from the world. I assumed I used to be sturdy, however this can be a totally different type of energy—one rooted in give up, not management.
She as soon as moved with rhythm and religion—attending Kingdom Corridor for over sixty years, sharp in thoughts and dressed with dignity. She’s a superb and good Christian lady, usually in comparison with Julie Andrews for her magnificence and radiant grace. However now, she not often will get out of her gown. She sleeps by the day. The providers she as soon as cherished are left unplayed. She says she’s drained and feels ‘off.’ That’s all.
I ache to revive her to who she was. However no encouragement or gesture can deliver that model of her again. One thing in me retains reaching for her previous, at the same time as she settles into her current.
As somebody used to instructing, creating, and mentoring, I’ve constructed a life round serving to others transfer ahead. I’m solution-oriented. I attempt to encourage change.
However I can’t repair this. I can’t raise her out of time’s embrace. Viktor Frankl, the psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, wrote, “After we are now not capable of change a state of affairs, we’re challenged to alter ourselves.” That quote feels particularly private now. As a result of I can’t change what’s taking place to my mom—however I can soften my resistance. I can change the best way I present up.
Strolling Every Different Residence
There’s a stupendous quote by Ram Dass that returns to me on this quiet second: “We’re all simply strolling one another dwelling.” I take into consideration that after I deliver her a bowl of soup, maintain her hand, or whisper, “I like you.”
I’m not right here to deliver her again to life because it was. I’m right here to stroll beside her—gently, imperfectly, faithfully—as she lets go of this chapter.
I feel usually of Pope John Paul II, who remained remarkably compassionate whereas bedridden within the final days of his life. As his physique failed, he interpreted his struggling not as a burden, however as solidarity with the poor and the sick. His vulnerability turned a doorway to larger understanding. That imaginative and prescient moved me deeply. As a result of that’s what I hope to do—not simply look after my mom however be remodeled by the act of caring.
I’ve studied meditation. I’ve written and taught about presence in filmmaking. However this—each day care, uncooked emotion, the unknown—is the deepest type of mindfulness I’ve ever identified.
Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that “While you love somebody, the most effective factor you’ll be able to supply is your presence.” So I attempt to be there. Not fixing. Not explaining. Simply respiration. Simply sitting beside her.
In Buddhism, impermanence is just not a punishment—it’s a fact. Every little thing stunning fades. Clinging brings struggling. Peace comes from loving with out greedy. That’s what I’m studying, slowly, as I witness her journey unfold.
Some days, I really feel like I’m failing. I lose persistence. I say an excessive amount of, and I say it too loudly. However I present up once more. I apologize. I soften. I be taught.
There’s a quiet type of love rising in me. It doesn’t seem like grand gestures. It seems like warming her tea with honey. Adjusting her blanket. Noticing she’s chilly earlier than she says a phrase. That is slow-burning compassion—the sort that asks nothing in return. It’s not about being a hero. It’s about being human.
I used to suppose knowledge got here from those that spoke probably the most. However now I see that among the biggest academics say little in any respect. My mom, largely silent now, is instructing me about humility, growing older, and give up.
Like Pope John Paul II, I need to flip my struggling into understanding. To really feel my coronary heart break open—not shut down—and to know that this isn’t simply her time of transition, it’s mine too.
These days, my very own well being has begun to shift—macular degeneration, diastolic coronary heart failure, near-blindness, persistent fatigue, and a rising sense that I, too, am growing older. At first, I resisted. I needed to remain helpful and powerful. However now, I see these adjustments as reminders: to stay gently, to like totally, and to be current. My physique is just not the issue—it’s the messenger. And its message is easy: this isn’t about me. It’s about how effectively I present up for her.
So what’s it that I’m studying right here on this unusual, quiet area between caregiving and grief?
- You don’t should be excellent to be current.
- Love doesn’t at all times seem like pleasure. Typically it seems like persistence.
- Letting go isn’t failure—it’s an expression of grace.
- Even in loss, there’s development.
- The tip of 1 life chapter can open your coronary heart to all of humanity.
A Whisper Earlier than Sleep
Every evening, I make certain she’s able to sleep. Typically she’s dozing. Typically she’s half-aware. Typically she’s simply staring on the TV. However each evening, I whisper, “I like you, Mother.” Perhaps she hears me. Perhaps not. However I say it anyway—as a result of love, at this level, is extra about presence than response.
And now, one other quiet miracle has entered her world. Nugget—the small, grey-furred cat who’s tremendous cute and equally loopy—has change into her closest companion. My mom by no means cared a lot for animals. She discovered them messy, distant. However Nugget modified all that.
This tiny creature curls at her ft, climbs into her lap, and purrs with out query. And my mom responds—stroking her fur, speaking softly, calling her ‘my little kitty.’ It’s pure, shocking, and profound. Nugget brings her again to the current in methods I can’t. She opens a door to tenderness that has lengthy remained closed.
My mom nonetheless shares vivid tales from the distant previous, although she forgets what occurred an hour in the past. Nonetheless, she is aware of me. She is aware of Nugget. And for that, I’m grateful.
I nonetheless want I may do extra. However I present up—quietly, imperfectly, with love. I stroll her dwelling the most effective I can.
And in that strolling, in that give up, I’m starting to grasp what it actually means to be alive.
About Tony Collins
Tony Collins, EdD, MFA is a documentary filmmaker, trainer, musician, author, and marketing consultant with forty years of expertise. His work explores inventive expression, scholarly rigor, and nonfiction storytelling throughout the USA, Central America, Asia, and the UAE. In 2025, he’s self-publishing Artistic Scholarship: Rethinking Analysis in Movie and New Media on Amazon, difficult conventional tutorial evaluation in movie and new media. Web site: anthonycollinsfilm.com
